Do you ever feel sometimes everything is going wrong for you. Ever feel that everything that was previously arranged in your life was falling apart. Or is it just me. A few months ago, my life was thrown into upheaval. My friendships were falling apart, my accommodation status was shaky. Family was….well, you get the point.
See, I’m a worrier. Inside me is the natural tendency to fret about my problems, to make lists upon lists upon lists of possible solutions, to worry the situation to death, to go over every scenario or outcome. There’s never been a time I haven’t been like that. Maybe it comes from being the first of four children. Maybe the responsibility has turned me into this creature that carries everybody’s problems on her shoulders. ‘Oh my God, my sister is failing, what will I do?’ ‘Oh my God, my brother is acting up, what’s the solution?’ And then there are my own problems ‘Oh my God, they’ll soon send me packing, where will I leave?’
And then I’m calling on God’s name all the time and asking Him to help me, but my natural distrust for people manifests in my relationship with God too. Somehow I just think that God has too many people beating down his door, asking for requests. What are my problems in the face of all that? I somehow think that I’m not anybody’s priority except mine, that nobody will take care of me except me. Even when I do ask God for things, subconsciously, my mind is already looking for alternatives, a back-up plan in case God fails.
Then I was thrown into a situation in which there were no alternatives, in which there was nothing I could do. All of a sudden I couldn’t put my trust in myself. I had nowhere else to put the trust but in God. All of a sudden, I had to have faith in God. I had to trust him to take care of my problems. I had to offer up all my problems and trust him to take care of them, instead of worrying and taking them back again.
I will tell you that for me, who had never had to put her trust and faith in anything but her own abilities (and sometimes not even that), it was the most challenging time of my life. I was frequently seized with attacks in which I panicked and took back all my problems from God but still, I could do nothing with them so I had to give them back. In this time, I found myself watching a lot of movies, chatting unceasingly, listening to loud music, all to keep myself from thinking about everything that is wrong in my life.
I began to read my bible more and lo and behold, I actually enjoy it. And I prayed more and with prayer came a certain peace.
With time, I found it became easier to let go, to just surrender to Him. And I found my chest grew lighter, freer. It sounds metaphorical but to me, it is almost physical. When I think about my problems, it’s like there’s a weight rushing and dropping on my chest. I feel it like an ache, like an actual physical load. But then I remember that God has it covered and the weight disappears. It’s incredible. INCREDIBLE.
And after a while, those problems I found so daunting resolved themselves. Sometimes due to my own actions but this time it was different. This time, it was obvious to me that I wasn’t acting alone. I don’t know how I would have had the courage to address the issue of failing friendship without God. It just has to be Him.
Now, I’m practicing faith more often. It has finally occurred to me that He Is God. He is all powerful and has the ability to do anything. He loves me or he wouldn’t have given his only son, whom was sinless, who shouldn’t have suffered at all, up to die for me. He made me. He knows all my weaknesses and faults. He knows when I will sin even before I do. He forgives me before I ask for forgiveness, even when I don’t deserve it. I am his priority and so is everyone else because He is God and He is that powerful.
He has my best interest at heart. He is my attorney and defense lawyer when I need vindication. He is my agent and publicist when I need favor from my superiors or colleagues. He is my counselor, my conscience, my guide. By the way I mean ‘He’ as in the trinity (God, the Father, God, the Son, and God the Holy Spirit).
Everything that happens to me, good or bad, whether I choose to accept it or not, is a result of his hand on my life. And as long as I keep on walking with him, I need not fear things as inconsequential as failing friendships, uncertain accommodation, family problems, because He will be there. And He has it covered.
Honestly, the peace that comes with truly surrendering to God is spectacular. It truly passes all earthly understanding.