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no1nerd

Me with all the walls down

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journey

FRESH STARTS

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Heyo! I haven’t written anything in a while, I know. It’s because I’ve been so busy. And I’m still busy. I just had to write this really quick before another month long hiatus. I just feel like it’s really appropriate for the new year.

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LETTER TO A 34YR OLD ME

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Today, I’m thinking about life, my life. Past, Present, Future. I’m thinking a lot about my future. Yesterday, a friend of mine told me about a seminar she attended where the speaker said to write a letter to yourself 15 years into the future. That thought fixated on my mind. What will I be like in 15 years? Will I have left behind my sometimes childish and naïve optimism? Will I have finally donned that cape of cynicism that this world is constantly trying to throw over me? Will I have grown into myself, into my dreams? Will I have made some of my dreams reality and still be chasing more? Or will I have left those ‘impossible’ dreams behind for good and faced monotonous reality? Who will I be? Where will I be?

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TAKE IT FROM THE ROBINSONS

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Everyone who knows me knows that Disney was and is a large part of my life. Disney has made me who I am today. Well, God did and is doing that but with a big help from Disney. In fact, Disney is probably the reason I was so receptive to the notion of a higher power out there. Through it, I learnt to believe in something greater than myself. I learnt that all things are possible through faith, hope and a little pixie dust (which I equal to prayer). The way I see it, Disney set the tone…sort of primed me to believe in God. And now I do and I’ve experienced him and there’s no turning back for me. Disney taught me to be strong, to be brave, to never give up; that believing in impossible things and chasing after them like they’re possible makes them possible. It taught me that if you lie, your nose grows a mile long (Pinocchio), that beneath the most hideous, hardened beast could beat a heart of gold (beauty and the beast), that sometimes you stand out because you’re meant to (Tarzan, jungle book), that sometimes to find your purpose in life, you must venture out of the known into the unknown, even if it means turning a tail into legs (Little mermaid), that gender doesn’t limit your possibilities (Mulan), that growing up doesn’t necessarily mean letting our imagination die (peter pan), that ‘Ohana means family and family means no one gets left behind or forgotten’ (Lilo and stitch), that girls can be the heroes too (Mulan, Frozen, Brave etc.), that you must pursue your dreams even if you hit a detour like say, getting turned into a frog (princess and the frog).

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ECG OF LIFE

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So, it’s times like this that I’m grateful for my friends. When one of them says something I really need to hear and in a clever way too, I’m like ‘wow, I’m so glad I met you.’ I’ve always wondered at the similarity of my friends, how a large percentage are usually Christians, most of them writers and all of them very clever, capable of thinking outside the box and saying the weirdest things in ways that make complete sense to me. From now on, I will no longer wonder. I will just be grateful for all of them.

Anyways, the particular pixel of wisdom that inspired this post came sometime yesterday afternoon. I was feeling a little overwhelmed about the enormous amounts of information I have to get into my head in time for exams (such is med school), and a friend of mine was dealing with some other issues. So there we were, sitting side by side, trying to console each other, while putting on our poker faces (you know, the one you give everyone so they don’t guess that you’re screaming inside), not even aware that we were being watched.

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BREAK FREE

Freedom

It’s time.

You robbed my peace.

You stole my sanity.

You burgled my identity.

You shuffled my life.

You’ve done enough, I think.

It’s time.

I cast you out this minute.

Out of my life, I rebuke you.

Out of my mind, I banish you.

Out of my heart, I expel you.

It’s time

Leave me be.

Let my heart be free.

Let this torment be done.

Let these wounds finally heal.

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JUST SAY NO

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I have watched life zoom past me. I have struggled for opportunities then let go at the last lap because someone else needed it more or because I needed something from someone and I wasn’t willing to inconvenience the person to get it. I’ve always been attuned to people’s emotions, always been able to feel what they feel. This unusual empathy- blessing or curse? I think it might be a curse. See, I’m the person in a group who will try to soften the blows of people’s teasing of other people, even if it’s none of my business (Imagine me butting into a conversation just to say don’t take her seriously, she’s just joking). I’m the one who ensures to say just joking after every teasing sentence to make sure you don’t take it the wrong way. I will always try to explain my actions. I say sorry an inordinate amount of times.  I would give out anything to anyone if they pulled a sincere enough puppy dog face.

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