I have watched life zoom past me. I have struggled for opportunities then let go at the last lap because someone else needed it more or because I needed something from someone and I wasn’t willing to inconvenience the person to get it. I’ve always been attuned to people’s emotions, always been able to feel what they feel. This unusual empathy- blessing or curse? I think it might be a curse. See, I’m the person in a group who will try to soften the blows of people’s teasing of other people, even if it’s none of my business (Imagine me butting into a conversation just to say don’t take her seriously, she’s just joking). I’m the one who ensures to say just joking after every teasing sentence to make sure you don’t take it the wrong way. I will always try to explain my actions. I say sorry an inordinate amount of times. I would give out anything to anyone if they pulled a sincere enough puppy dog face.
We all know what anger is, we’ve all felt it in its different forms, whether it is mild irritation or full blown rage.
Our bodies’ normal threshold for anger is very low and amounts higher than the threshold are toxic. Based on approach towards anger, I classify people into two categories.
So in the Catholic Church, we celebrate mass. It’s done in place of what other denominations call service. It’s so much more than a service though. It is a feast, a communion, a celebration of the last supper, consecration of bread and wine…and so much more. But I’m not here to talk about the Catholic faith.
Anyways, the sequence of mass goes; the introductory rites, then one or two readings then a psalm before the gospel reading then the homily, Eucharistic celebration and conclusion. The responsorial psalm is a short song which can be a whole psalm or part of psalms. Usually someone recites or sings it while the congregation replies a refrain.
So this week, I was ‘chosen’ –but really, actually forced– to be the one to sing the psalm for Wednesday mass, a big deal for the Catholics in my school.
After a week’s practice, I was ready to take on the stage. Here is what I sang.
Do you ever feel sometimes everything is going wrong for you. Ever feel that everything that was previously arranged in your life was falling apart. Or is it just me. A few months ago, my life was thrown into upheaval. My friendships were falling apart, my accommodation status was shaky. Family was….well, you get the point.
Okay, so I apologize for being a little AWOL lately. So much has been going on in my life lately and so many emotions have been wracking through me. I’ve been writing but as usual when I’m overcome with emotion, I can’t write anything worth showing anyone so…yah, I haven’t been able to create anything worth reading. Just scribbles of ugly emotions. The worst part is that my colournote is even fuller than usual…*sigh*. Anyways I figured if I didn’t get another post off my colournote and on to the blog, I’d have nowhere else to write when the feels come (yes, it has been a hectic couple of weeks for me).
If you read the last post, colournote series #1, you’ll know that I’m cleaning out my colournote which is like a notepad app where I write down ideas and more importantly, where I dump down all those feelings that are too messy to talk about with people. So because of my packrat-ish nature, I’m averse to just deleting the notes because… well, because they’re a part of me. So instead, I decided to refurbish a few of them and turn them into not-so-good blog posts. So while you read this, you’re delving into the recesses of my mind where few have dared to enter and even fewer survive.
So, if you are like me, you probably have a notepad application or something similar on your phone for those times when you’re in class or on the road and you really have to write something down. Me, I use colournote. For me, it doubles as a notepad for when ideas hit me at random times and as a diary. When stuff happen to me that make me feel sad or mad, I just take out my phone and start writing. The best part is that everyone thinks you’re texting. Ha!
So it’s been months now since I talked about the life-defining exam I was set to take. Well, that exam was over several weeks ago. Why didn’t I post anything?
Well, on one hand, I found myself bogged down by laziness. Which made it very easy to slip into former habits. These days, I wake up, eat, walk around my house aimlessly in my jammies, watch t.v, get bored of TV, walk around aimlessly again, have a belated bath, read a few chapters of a novel, walk around aimlessly, eat, bicker with my sister then stare at the ceiling until I fall asleep.
As one would guess, I’m out of this galaxy bored.
Another reason I couldn’t write anything post-able, even when I was bored enough to jump off my balcony was that I was going through a significant change.
I love change. In fact I thrive on it and all things have to change eventually. But in between the old conditions and the new conditions, there is always this in between period where you’re still trying to figure out your new circumstances, where you’re still trying to adjust to the change. You’re trying to forget the old routine and get used to the new ones. In this sort-of-transition phase, it’s easy to become adrift, to not know who you are anymore.
Yeah, this is where I am, where I’ve been.
So many things have happened in the last 7 weeks. Lost some friends, gained some friends, reconnected with old friends and bickered with new enemies.
To top it all off, I’m moving dorms.
That last was a last minute decision. I was always going to move but I had been putting it off for months. My current dorm room used to be a home away from home for me, a place where I can be me, express my weirdness and super annoying qualities. Now, I can barely breathe in there. The air is always so tense nowadays. I guess that’s what happens when 6 girls are crammed into one place. There are definitely going to be some issues. And because we’re girls, we just walk around the giant elephant in the room and pretend like nothing’s wrong. I can’t handle that. So I figured since everything else in my life was changing, why not just take it all the way and just move.
Since I’ve been in this transition period, I’ve found myself increasingly angry and irritated which means I find myself writing for long periods, venting. Unfortunately, none of what I write is any good and I always delete it. It’s just my therapy.
Well, at this point, I’ve kind of just accepted that if life informed us of every curveball it was going to throw our way, then the game won’t be worth playing. Change can never be prevented or even managed. The best we can do is to just roll with it.
What I learned these past weeks.
I’ve learned that when what used to be your life begins to fall to pieces around you, it helps to cling to the constants in your life.
For me, those would be the loving annoyingness of my family (yes, my siblings will always be there to bicker with), the Friends that did survive the change (and those would be my true friends), the comfort of cold ice cream on a hot day (or a cold day, or a windy day, or a stormy day- who cares, it’s ice cream!), the magic of a beautifully told story and so much more.
These are my constants and over the past weeks, I’ve learnt to appreciate them more, especially my family and those friends that stuck around (you’d be surprised how many would turn to bitches without a reason). Oh, and ice cream too!!!
It’s also helpful to project your spirits outwards. Rather than constantly thinking about how unfair life is to you, focus on doing something nice for someone else. Maybe lend a listening ear to a struggling friend or encourage sick strangers in the hospital. Whatever it is, it will help distract from your own problems and when you get back to thinking about you, you’d see that your problems aren’t even that big.
I don’t know how many of you are going through major changes like break-ups, divorce, breaking families. But don’t get too wrapped up in how bad you have it. Don’t feel sorry for yourself. I know it’s easier said than done but try. Cling to your constants and project your spirits outward, rather that inwards.
It’s not the end of the world, I promise.